In the many years since then, I have grappled with the painful truth that, despite my best efforts, I remain a very selfish human being. I wanted to give classes for free but realised I had needs and I wanted to be able to pay for my place in this world. I wanted to endlessly give of my time and attention, but had to face the truth that my energies are limited and I wanted to have some energy left for myself.
Then, I met my teacher, who taught a very simple extension of the concept of selflessness. He explained that we are indeed selfish, and that we should be honest about that reality, accept it within ourselves, and then see what happens.
This didn’t sit so well with me. I wanted to be the ego-ideal of selflessness – altruistic, giving, loving. How painful to be asked to embrace something I had been grappling to overcome for so long.
As I started to face the simple truth of my inherent selfishness, a new insight dawned. I realised that as I started to embrace my own wants (time, money, space) I became better able of serving others. More money enabled me to teach less, and therefore in a more concentrated and skilful way. More time meant I could write, reflect and explore ideas and concepts that help me to be a better teacher. Both of these resources allow me to study more with my teachers and give a deeper teaching in my classes. Through being selfish, I was becoming selfless.
I have been teaching for many years, and I love it. It is to some degree what defines my sense of small self. As I embrace that, I see that it is an entirely selfish act; it makes me feel good about myself to see people coming to class and getting better physically, mentally and emotionally. More and more I feel myself surrounded by love and gratitude, and it feeds that sense of self-fulfilment that we all have a need for.
So, perhaps it is impossible to honour your desire to be selfless without also honouring your need to be selfish. Now that I have really got in touch with my heart’s desire, and allowed and welcomed all aspects of that desire, I see that I am better able to serve others.
What if you are reading this and thinking But I don’t want to serve other people, I just want to be rich and sit around and do nothing! Try it. See where it takes you. I would say that all of your desires, if you act on them, will either lead to disappointment and therefore fulfilment (you won’t want that thing anymore), or they will take you towards your greatest gifts and talents. Either way, you can’t loose.
So, what to do? Take time to reflect on what it is you long for. What it is you desire more than anything else in this life. Try not to shy away from your own authenticity and needs. If you can meet that deepest desire, meet you own truth, I guarantee you it will be about loving, serving and helping yourself, and that that will in turn serve others. What could be better than that?
